41 — To John Hanson
Trinity College, Cambridge, Novr. 30, 1805.
Sir
, — After the contents of your Epistle, you will probably be less surprized at my answer, than I have been at many points of yours ; never was I more astonished than at the perusal, for I confess I expected very different treatment. Your indirect charge of Dissipation does not affect me, nor do I fear the strictest inquiry into my conduct; neither here nor at Harrow have I disgraced myself, the "Metropolis" and the "Cloisters" are alike unconscious of my Debauchery, and on the plains of merry Sherwood I have experienced Misery alone; in July I visited them for the last time.
Mrs. Byron and myself are now totally separated, injured by her, I sought refuge with Strangers, too late I see my error, for how was kindness to be expected from others, when denied by a parent? In you, Sir, I imagined I had found an Instructor; for your advice I thank you; the Hospitality of yourself and Mrs. H. on many occasions I shall always gratefully remember, for I am not of opinion that even present Injustice can cancel past obligations.
Before I proceed, it will be necessary to say a few words concerning Mrs. Byron; you hinted a probability of her appearance at Trinity; the instant I hear of her arrival I quit Cambridge, though Rustication
or Expulsion
be the consequence. Many a weary week of torment
have I passed with her, nor have I forgot the insulting Epithets
with which myself, my Sister, my father
and my Family
have been repeatedly reviled.
To return to you, Sir, though I feel obliged by your Hospitality, etc., etc., in the present instance I have been completely deceived. When I came down to College, and even previous to that period I stipulated that not only my Furniture, but even my Gowns and Books, should be paid for that I might set out free from Debt. Now with all the Sang Froid of your profession you tell me, that not only I shall not be permitted to repair my rooms (which was at first agreed to) but that I shall not even be indemnified for my present expence. In one word, hear my determination. I will never pay for them out of my allowance, and the Disgrace will not attach to me but to those by whom I have been deceived. Still, Sir, not even the Shadow of dishonour shall reflect on my Name, for I will see that the Bills are discharged; whether by you or not is to me indifferent, so that the men I employ are not the victims of my Imprudence or your Duplicity. I have ordered nothing extravagant; every man in College is allowed to fit up his rooms; mine are secured to me during my residence which will probably be some time, and in rendering them decent I am more praiseworthy than culpable. The Money I requested was but a secondary consideration; as a Lawyer you were not obliged to advance it till due; as a Friend the request might have been complied with. When it is required at Xmas I shall expect the demand will be answered. In the course of my letter I perhaps have expressed more asperity than I intended, it is my nature to feel warmly, nor shall any consideration of interest or Fear ever deter me from giving vent to my Sentiments, when injured, whether by a Sovereign or a Subject.
I remain, etc., etc.,
Byron.
