CHAPTER XXIII. POLITICAL BOUNDARIES—POLITICAL RIGHTS—POLITICAL SELECTIONS, AND POLITICAL DISQUISITIONS; WITH POLITICAL RESULTS.

The aquatic mile-stones of the monikin seas have been already mentioned; but I believe I omitted to say, that there was a line of demarcation drawn in the water, by means of a similar invention, to point out the limits of the jurisdiction of each state. Thus, all within these water-marks was under the laws of Leaphigh; all between them and those of some other country, was the high seas; and all within those of the other country, Leaplow for instance, was under the exclusive jurisdiction of that other country.

With a favorable wind, the Walrus could run to the watermarks in about half a day; from thence to the water-marks of Leaplow was two days’ sail, and another half day was necessary to reach our haven. As we drew near the legal frontiers of Leaphigh, several small fast-sailing schooners were seen hovering just without the jurisdiction of the king, quite evidently waiting our approach. One boarded us, just as the outer edge of the spanker-boom got clear of the Leaphigh sovereignty. Judge People’s Friend rushed to the side of the ship, and before the crew of the boat could get on deck, he had ascertained that the usual number of prizes had been put into the little wheel.

A monikin in a bob of a most pronounced character, or which appeared to have been subjected to the second amputation, being what is called in Leaplow a bob-upon-bob, now approached, and inquired if there were any emigrants on board. He was made acquainted with our characters and objects. When he understood that our stay would most likely be short, he was evidently a little disappointed.

“Perhaps, gentlemen,” he added, “you may still remain long enough to make naturalization desirable?”

“It is always agreeable to be at home in foreign countries—but are there no legal objections?”

“I see none, sir—you have no tails, I believe?”

“None but what are in our trunks. I did not know, however, but the circumstance of our being of a different species might throw some obstacles in the way.”

“None in the world, sir. We act on principles much too liberal for so narrow an objection. You are but little acquainted with the institutions and policy of our beloved and most happy country, I see, sir. This is not Leaphigh, nor Leapup, nor Leapdown, nor Leapover, nor Leapthrough, nor Leapunder; but good old, hearty, liberal, free and independent, most beloved, happy, and prosperous beyond example, Leaplow. Species is of no account under our system. We would as soon naturalize one animal as another, provided it be a republican animal. I see no deficiency about any of you. All we ask is certain general principles. You go on two legs—”

“So do turkeys, sir.”

“Very true—but you have no feathers.”

“Neither has a donkey.”

“All very right, gentlemen—you do not bray, however.”

“I will not answer for that,” put in the captain, sending his leg forwards in a straight line, in a way to raise an outcry in Bob, that almost upset the Leaplower’s proposition.

“At all events, gentlemen,” he observed, “there is a test that will put the matter at rest, at once.”

He then desired us, in turn, to pronounce the word “our”—“OUR liberties”—“OUR country”—“OUR firesides”—“OUR altars,” Whoever expressed a wish to be naturalized, and could use this word in the proper manner, and in the proper place, was entitled to be a citizen. We all did very well but the second mate, who, being a Herefordshire man, could not, for the life of him, get any nearer to the Doric, in the latter shibboleth, than “our halters.” Now, it would seem that, in carrying out a great philanthropic principle in Leaplow, halters had been proscribed; for, whenever a rogue did anything amiss, it had been discovered that, instead of punishing him for the offence, the true way to remedy the evil was to punish the society against which he had offended. By this ingenious turn, society was naturally made to look out sharp how it permitted any one to offend it. This excellent idea is like that of certain Dutchmen, who, when they cut themselves with an ax, always apply salve and lint to the cruel steel, and leave the wound to heal as fast as possible.

To return to our examination: we all passed but the second mate, who hung in his halter, and was pronounced to be incorrigible. Certificates of naturalization were delivered on the spot, the fees were paid, and the schooner left us.

That night it blew a gale, and we had no more visitors until the following morning. As the sun rose, however, we fell in with three schooners, under the Leaplow flag, all of which seemed bound on errands of life or death. The first that reached us sent a boat on board, and a committee of six bob-upon-bobs hurried up our sides, and lost no time in introducing themselves. I shall give their own account of their business and characters.

It would seem that they were what is called a “nominating committee” of the Horizontals, for the City of Bivouac, the port to which we were bound, where an election was about to take place for members of the great National Council. Bivouac was entitled to send seven members; and having nominated themselves, the committee were now in quest of a seventh candidate to fill the vacancy. In order to secure the naturalized interests, it had been determined to select as new a comer as possible. This would also be maintaining the principle of liberality, in the abstract. For this reason they had been cruising for a week, as near as the law would allow to the Leaphigh boundaries, and they were now ready to take any one who would serve.

To this proposition I again objected the difference of species. Here they all fairly laughed in my face, Brigadier Downright included, giving me very distinctly to understand that they thought I had very contracted notions on matters and things, to suppose so trifling an obstacle could disturb the harmony and unity of a Horizontal vote. They went for a principle, and the devil himself could not make them swerve from the pursuit of so sacred an object.

I then candidly admitted that nature had not fitted me, as admirably as it had fitted my friend the judge, for the throwing of summersets; and I feared that when the order was given “to go to the right about,” I might be found no better than a bungler. This staggered them a little; and I perceived that they looked at each other in doubt.

“But you can, at least, turn round suddenly, at need?” one of them asked, after a pause.

“Certainly, sir,” I answered, giving ocular evidence that I was no idle boaster, making a complete gyration on my heels, in very good time.

“Very well!—admirably well!” they all cried in a breath. “The great political essential is to be able to perform the evolutions in their essence—the facility with which they are performed being no more than a personal merit.”

“But, gentlemen, I know little more of your constitution and laws, than I have learned in a few broken discussions with my fellow-travellers.”

“This is a matter of no moment, sir. Our constitution, unlike that of Leaphigh, is written down, and he who runs can read; and then we have a political fugleman in the house, who saves an immense deal of unnecessary study and reflection to the members. All you will have to do, will be to watch his movements; and, my life on it, you will go as well through the manual exercise as the oldest member there.”

“How, sir, do all the members take the manoeuvres from this fugleman?”

“All the Horizontals, sir—the Perpendiculars having a fugleman of their own.”

“Well, gentlemen, I conceive this to be an affair in which I am no judge, and I put myself entirely in the hands of my friends.”

This answer met with much commendation, and manifested, as they all protested, great political capabilities; the statesman who submitted all to his friends never failing to rise to eminence in Leaplow. The committee took my name in writing and hastened back to their schooner, in order to get into port to promulgate the nomination. These persons were hardly off the deck, before another party came up the opposite side of the ship. They announced themselves to be a nominating committee of the Perpendiculars, on exactly the same errand as their opponents. They, too, wished to propitiate the foreign interests, and were in search of a proper candidate. Captain Poke had been an attentive listener to all that occurred during the circumstances that preceded my nomination; and he now stepped promptly forward, and declared his readiness to serve. As there was quite as little squeamishness on one side as on the other, and the Perpendicular committee, as it owned itself, was greatly pressed for time, the Horizontals having the start of them, the affair was arranged in five minutes, and the strangers departed with the name of NOAH POKE, THE TRIED PATRIOT, THE PROFOUND JURIST, AND THE HONEST MONIKIN, handsomely placarded on a large board—all but the name having been carefully prepared in advance.

When the committee were fairly out of the ship, Noah look me aside, and made his apologies for opposing me in this important election. His reasons were numerous and ingenious, and, as usual, a little discursive. They might be summed up as follows: He never had sat in a parliament, and he was curious to know how it would feel; it would increase the respect of the ship’s company, to find their commander of so much account in a strange port; he had had some experience at Stunnin’tun by reading the newspapers, and he didn’t doubt of his abilities at all, a circumstance that rarely failed of making a good legislator; the congressman in his part of the country was some such man as himself, and what was good for the goose was good for the gander; he knew Miss Poke would be pleased to hear he had been chosen; he wondered if he should be called the Honorable Noah Poke, and whether he should receive eight dollars a day, and mileage from the spot where the ship then was; the Perpendiculars might count on him, for his word was as good as his bond; as for the constitution, he had got on under the constitution at home, and he believed a man who could do that might get on under any constitution; he didn’t intend to say a great deal in parliament, but what he did say he hoped might be recorded for the use of his children; together with a great deal more of the same sort of argumentation and apology.

The third schooner now brought us to. This vessel sent another committee, who announced themselves to be the representatives of a party that was termed the Tangents. They were not numerous, but sufficiently so to hold the balance whenever the Horizontals and the Perpendiculars crossed each other directly at right angles, as was the case at present; and they had now determined to run a single candidate of their own. They, too, wished to fortify themselves by the foreign interest, as was natural, and had come out in quest of a proper person. I suggested the first mate; but against this Noah protested, declaring that come what would, the ship must on no account be deserted. Time pressed; and, while the captain and the subordinate were hotly disputing the propriety of permitting the latter to serve, Bob, who had already tasted the sweets of political importance, in his assumed character of prince-royal, stepped slyly up to the committee, and gave in his name. Noah was too much occupied to discover this well-managed movement; and by the time he had sworn to throw the mate overboard if he did not instantly relinquish all ambitious projects of this nature, he found that the Tangents were off. Supposing they had gone to some other vessel, the captain allowed himself to be soothed, and all went on smoothly again.

From this time until we anchored in the bay of Bivouac, the tranquillity and discipline of the Walrus were undisturbed. I improved the occasion to study the constitution of Leaplow, of which the judge had a copy, and to glean such information from my companions as I believed might be useful in my future career. I thought how pleasant it would be for a foreigner to teach the Leaplowers their own laws, and to explain to them the application of their own principles! Little, however, was to be got from the judge, who was just then too much occupied with some calculations concerning the chances of the little wheel, with which he had been furnished by a leading man of one of the nominating committees.

I now questioned the brigadier touching that peculiar usage of his country which rendered Leaphigh opinions concerning the Leaplow institutions, society, and manners of so much value in the market of the latter. To this I got but an indifferent answer, except it was to say, that his countrymen, having cleared the interests connected with the subjects from the rubbish of time, and set everything at work, on the philosophical basis of reason and common sense, were exceedingly desirous of knowing what other people thought of the success of the experiment.

“I expect to see a nation of sages, I can assure you, brigadier; one in which even the very children are profoundly instructed in the great truths of your system; and, as to the monikinas, I am not without dread of bringing my theoretical ignorance in collision with their great practical knowledge of the principles of your government.”

“They are early fed on political pap.”

“No doubt, sir, no doubt. How different must they be from the females of other countries! Deeply imbued with the great distinctive principles of your system, devoted to the education of their children in the same sublime truths, and indefatigable in their discrimination, among the meanest of their households!”

“Hum!”

“Now, sir, even in England, a country which I trust is not the most debased on earth, you will find women, beautiful, intellectual, accomplished and patriotic, who limit their knowledge of these fundamental points to a zeal for a clique, and the whole of whose eloquence on great national questions is bounded by a few heartfelt wishes for the downfall of their opponents;—”

“It is very much so at Stunnin’tun, too, if truth must be spoken,” remarked Noah, who had been a listener.

“Who, instead of instructing the young suckers that cling to their sides in just notions of general social distinctions, nurture their young antipathies with pettish philippics against some luckless chief of the adverse party;—”

“Tis pretty much the same at Stunnin’tun, as I live!”

“Who rarely study the great lessons of history in order to point out to the future statesmen and heroes of the empire the beacons of crime, the incentives for public virtue, or the charters of their liberties; but who are indefatigable in echoing the cry of the hour, however false or vulgar, and who humanize their attentive offspring by softly expressed wishes that Mr. Canning, or some other frustrator of the designs of their friends, were fairly hanged!”

“Stunnin’tun, all over!”

“Beings that are angels in form—soft, gentle, refined, and tearful as the evening with its dews, when there is a question of humanity or suffering; but who seem strangely transformed into she-tigers, whenever any but those of whom they can approve attain to power; and who, instead of entwining their soft arms around their husbands and brothers, to restrain them from the hot strife of opinions, cheer them on by their encouragement and throw dirt with the volubility and wit of fish-women.”

“Miss Poke, to the backbone!”

“In short, sir, I expect to see an entirely different state of things at Leaplow. There, when a political adversary is bespattered with mud, your gentle monikinas, doubtless, appease anger by mild soothings of philosophy, tempering zeal by wisdom, and regulating error by apt and unanswerable quotations from that great charter which is based on the eternal and immutable principles of right.”

“Well, Sir John, if you speak in this elocutionary manner in the house,” cried the delighted Noah, “I shall be shy of answering. I doubt, now, if the brigadier himself could repeat all you have just said.”

“I have forgotten to inquire, Mr. Downright, a little about your Leaplow constituency. The suffrage is, beyond question, confined to those members of society who possess a ‘social stake.’”

“Certainly, Sir John, They who live and breathe.”

“Surely none vote but those who possess the money, and houses, and lands of the country?”

“Sir, you are altogether in error; all vote who possess ears, and eyes, and noses, and bobs, and lives, and hopes, and wishes, and feelings, and wants. Wants we conceive to be a much truer test of political fidelity, than possessions.”

“This is novel doctrine, indeed! but it is in direct hostility to the social-stake system.”

“You were never more right, Sir John, as respects your own theory, or never more wrong as respects the truth. In Leaplow we contend—and contend justly—that there is no broader or bolder fallacy than to say that a representation of mere effects, whether in houses, lands, merchandise, or money, is a security for a good government. Property is affected by measures; and the more a monikin has, the greater is the bribe to induce him to consult his own interests, although it should be at the expense of those of everybody else.”

“But, sir, the interest of the community is composed of the aggregate of these interests.”

“Your pardon, Sir John; nothing is composed of it, but the aggregate of the interests of a class. If your government is instituted for their benefit only, your social-stake system is all well enough; but if the object be the general good, you have no choice but to trust its custody to the general keeping. Let us suppose two men—since you happen to be a man, and not a monikin—let us suppose two men perfectly equal in morals, intelligence, public virtue and patriotism, one of whom shall be rich and the other shall have nothing. A crisis arrives in the affairs of their common country, and both are called upon to exercise their franchise, on a question—as almost all great questions must—that unavoidably will have some influence on property generally. Which would give the most impartial vote—he who, of necessity, must be swayed by his personal interest, or he who has no inducement of the sort to go astray?”

“Certainly he who has nothing to influence him to go wrong. But the question is not fairly put—”

“Your pardon, Sir John—it is put fairly as an abstract question, and one that is to prove a principle. I am glad to hear you say that a man would be apt to decide in this manner; for it shows his identity with a monikin. We hold that all of us are apt to think most of ourselves on such occasions.”

“My dear brigadier, do not mistake sophistry for reason. Surely, if power belonged only to the poor—and the poor, or the comparatively poor, always compose the mass—they would exercise it in a way to strip the rich of their possessions.”

“We think not, in Leaplow. Cases might exist, in which such a state of things would occur under a reaction; but reactions imply abuses, and are not to be quoted to maintain a principle. He who was drunk yesterday, may need an unnatural stimulus to-day; while he who is uniformly temperate preserves his proper tone of body without recourse to a remedy so dangerous. Such an experiment, under a strong provocation, might possibly be made; but it could scarcely be made twice among any people, and not even once among a people that submits in season to a just division of its authority, since it is obviously destructive of a leading principle of civilization. According to our monikin histories, all the attacks upon property have been produced by property’s grasping at more than fairly belongs to its immunities. If you make political power a concomitant of property, both may go together, certainly; but if kept separate, the danger to the latter will never exceed the danger in which it is put daily by the arts of the money-getters, who are, in truth, the greatest foes of property, as it belongs to others.”

I remembered Sir Joseph Job, and could not but admit that the brigadier had, at least, some truth on his side.

“But do you deny that the sentiment of property elevates the mind, ennobles, and purifies?”

“Sir, I do not pretend to determine what may be the fact among men, but we hold among monikins, that ‘the love of money is the root of all evil.’”

“How, sir, do you account the education which is a consequence of property as nothing?”

“If you mean, my dear Sir John, that which property is most apt to teach, we hold it to be selfishness; but if you mean that he who has money, as a rule, will also have in formation to guide him aright, I must answer, that experience, which is worth a thousand theories, tells us differently. We find that on questions which are purely between those who have, and those who have not, the HAVES are commonly united, and we think this would be the fact if they were as unschooled as bears; but on all other questions, they certainly do great discredit to education, unless you admit that there are in every case TWO rights; for, with us, the most highly educated generally take the two extremes of every argument. I state this to be the fact with monikins, you will remember—doubtless, educated men agree much better.”

“But, my good brigadier, if your position about the greater impartiality and independence of the elector who is not influenced by his private interests be true, a country would do well to submit its elections to a body of foreign umpires.”

“It would indeed, Sir John, if it were certain these foreign umpires would not abuse the power to their own particular advantage, if they could have the feelings and sentiments which ennoble and purify a nation far more than money, and if it were possible they could thoroughly understand the character, habits, wants, and resources of another people. As things are, therefore, we believe it is wisest to trust our own elections to ourselves—not to a portion of ourselves, but to all of ourselves.”

“Immigrants included,” put in the captain.

“Why, we do carry the principle well out in the case of gentlemen like yourselves,” returned the brigadier, politely, “but liberality is a virtue. As a principle, Sir John, your idea of referring the choice of our representatives to strangers has more merit than you probably imagine, though, certainly, impracticable, for the reasons already given. When we seek justice, we commonly look out for some impartial judge. Such a judge is unattainable, however, in the matter of the interests of a state, for the simple reason that power of this sort, permanently wielded, would be perverted on a principle which, after a most scrupulous analysis, we have been compelled to admit is incorporated with the very monikin nature—viz., selfishness. I make no manner of doubt that you men, however, are altogether superior to an influence so unworthy?”

Here I could only borrow the use of the brigadier’s “Hum!”

“Having ascertained that it would not do to submit the control of our affairs to utter strangers, or to those whose interests are not identified with our own, we set about seeing what could be done with a selection from among ourselves. Here we were again met by that same obstinate principle of selfishness; and we were finally driven to take shelter in the experiment of intrusting the interests of all to the management of all.”

“And, sir, are these the opinions of Leaphigh?”

“Very far from it. The difference between Leaphigh and Leaplow is just this: the Leaphighers, being an ancient people, with a thousand vested interests, are induced, as time improves the mind, to seek reasons for their facts; while we Leaplowers, being unshackled by any such restraints, have been able to make an effort to form our facts on our reasons.”

“Why do you, then, so much prize Leaphigh opinions on Leaplow facts?”

“Why does every little monikin believe his own father and mother to be just the two wisest, best, most virtuous, and discreetest old monikins in the whole world, until time, opportunity, and experience show him his error?”

“Do you make no exceptions, then, in your franchise, but admit every citizen who, as you say, has a nose, ears, bob, and wants, to the exercise of the suffrage?”

“Perhaps we are less scrupulous on this head than we ought to be, since we do not make ignorance and want of character bars to the privilege. Qualifications beyond mere birth and existence may be useful, but they are badly chosen when they are brought to the test of purely material possessions. This practice has arisen in the world from the fact that they who had property had power, and not because they ought to have it.”

“My dear brigadier, this is flying in the face of all experience.”

“For the reason just given, and because all experience has hitherto commenced at the wrong end. Society should be constructed as you erect a house; not from the roof down, but from the foundation upwards.”

“Admitting, however, that your house has been badly constructed at first, in repairing it, would you tear away the walls at random, at the risk of bringing all down about your ears?”

“I would first see that sufficient props were reared, and then proceed with vigor, though always with caution. Courage in such an experiment is less to be dreaded than timidity. Half the evils of life, social, personal and political, are as much the effects of moral cowardice as of fraud.”

I then told the brigadier, that as his countrymen rejected the inducements of property in the selection of the political base of their social compact, I expected to find a capital substitute in virtue.

“I have always heard that virtue is the great essential of a free people, and doubtless you Leaplowers are perfect models in this important particular?”

The brigadier smiled before he answered me, first looking about to the right and left, as if to regale himself with the odor of perfection.

“Many theories have been broached on these subjects,” he replied, “in which there has been some confusion between cause and effect. Virtue is no more a cause of freedom, except as it is connected with intelligence, than vice is a cause of slavery. Both may be consequences, but it is not easy to say how either is necessarily a cause. There is a homely saying among us monikins, which is quite to the point in this matter: ‘Set a rogue to catch a rogue.’ Now, the essence of a free government is to be found in the responsibility of its agents. He who governs without responsibility is a master, while he who discharges the duties of a functionary under a practical responsibility is a servant. This is the only true test of governments, let them be mystified as they may in other respects. Responsibility to the mass of the nation is the criterion of freedom. Now responsibility is the SUBSTITUTE for virtue in a politician, as discipline is the substitute for courage in a soldier. An army of brave monikins without discipline, would be very apt to be worsted by an army of monikins of less natural spirit, with discipline. So a corps of originally virtuous politicians, without responsibility, would be very apt to do more selfish, lawless, and profligate acts, than a corps of less virtue, who were kept rigidly under the rod of responsibility. Unrestrained power is a great corrupter of virtue, of itself; while the liabilities of a restrained authority are very apt to keep it in check. At least, such is the fact with us monikins—men very possibly get along better.”

“Let me tell you, Mr. Downright, you are now uttering opinions that are diametrically opposed to those of the world, which considers virtue an indispensable ingredient in a republic.”

“The world—meaning always the monikin world—knows very little about real political liberty, except as a theory. We of Leaplow are, in effect, the only people who have had much to do with it, and I am now telling you what is the result of my own observation, in my own country. If monikins were purely virtuous, there would be no necessity for government at all; but, being what they are, we think it wisest to set them to watch each other.”

“But yours is self-government, which implies self-restraint; and self-restraint is but another word for virtue.”

“If the merit of our system depended on self-government, in your signification, or on self-restraint, in any signification, it would not be worth the trouble of this argument, Sir John Goldencalf. This is one of those balmy fallacies with which ill-judging moralists endeavor to stimulate monikins to good deeds. Our government is based on a directly opposite principle; that of watching and restraining each other, instead of trusting to our ability to restrain ourselves. It is the want of responsibility, and not of constant and active presence, which infers virtue and self-control. No one would willingly lay legal restraints on himself in anything, while all are very happy to restrain their neighbors. This refers to the positive and necessary rules of intercourse, and the establishment of rights; as to mere morality, laws do very little towards enforcing its ordinances. Morals usually come of instruction; and when all have political power, instruction is a security that all desire.”

“But when all vote, all may wish to abuse their trust to their own especial advantage, and a political chaos will be the consequence.”

“Such a result is impossible, except as especial advantage is identified with general advantage. A community can no more buy itself in this manner, than a monikin can eat himself, let him be as ravenous as he will. Admitting that all are rogues, necessity would compel a compromise.”

“You make out a plausible theory, and I have little doubt that I shall find you the wisest, the most logical, the discreetest, and the most consistent community I have yet visited. But another word: how is it that our friend the judge gave such equivocal instructions to his charge; and why, in particular, did he lay so much stress on the employment of means, which gave the lie flatly to all you have told me?”

Brigadier Downright hereupon stroked his chin, and observed that he thought there might possibly be a shift of wind; and he also wondered (quite audibly), when we should make the land. I afterwards persuaded him to allow that a monikin was but a monikin, after all, whether he had the advantages of universal suffrage, or lived under a despot.