THE PLOT AGAINST THE EMPEROR'S LIFE

134. There is no doubt that it brought about a host of calamities. One or two of them I will describe, and leave my readers to deduce from them the nature of the rest. Here I will deviate somewhat from the main narrative for one moment. In well-governed cities there are inscribed on the citizen-rolls the names not only of the best persons and men of noble birth, but also of people whose origin is obscure, and military authorities observe this custom no less than civil magistrates. That, at all events, was the system followed by the Athenians and in all those cities which emulated their form of democracy. In our polity, however, this excellent practice has been contemptuously abandoned, and nobility counts for nothing. The process of corruption has been going on in the Senate for a long time: it is, in fact, a heritage of the past, for Romulus**127 was the first to encourage the kind of confusion we see now. Today the citizenship is open to all. No doubt you would find not a few wearing civilized clothes, who formerly covered themselves in a goat's-hair cloak. Many of our government are, I am sure, ex-slaves whom we bought from barbarians, and our great offices of state are entrusted not to men of the stamp of Pericles, or Themistocles, but to worthless scamps like Spartacus.**128

135. There was a fellow in my time, a filthy barbarian scoundrel who far outdid the Romans in arrogance and was so brazen that he [169] took advantage of his exalted position and physically maltreated some who afterwards became emperors, and then, when they had actually ascended the throne, proudly boasted of it in public. 'With this hand,' he would say, showing his right hand, 'with this hand I have many a time struck Roman Emperors!' I once heard him utter those words myself and I was terribly upset. I almost strangled the insolent foreigner with my own two hands: the shock of those words was more than I could bear.

136. Actually this remark caused no more offense than his promotion to our Senate, the noble members of which had been polluted by his presence shortly before the incident. In the first place he had done the emperor some service, then he wormed his way into favour with the magistrates, and his name appeared or the roll of the Senate. He was, as I have said, a person of obscure origin. To be more explicit, he was a common worthless rogue. However, having once drunk of the Roman streams, and found them good to the taste, he thought it would be a pity if he missed the chance of becoming master of their very source — emperor, in fact, with Romans of the noblest families his subjects, and he a slave bought at a price! When therefore the rascal conceived this idea, he saw in the emperor's unguarded state a godsend for his venture. Meanwhile he kept his design secret, informing none of his colleagues, and smoothed the path to the realization of his dreams. When the emperor was in procession from the Theatre to the Palace, he mingled with the ranks in the rear of the guard and marched with them. Once inside the Palace he lay in wait somewhere near the kitchens, everyone who met him believing that the emperor had told him to stay there, and so nobody whatever threw him out. Later, under cross-examination, he disclosed his secret intentions, and it appears that his idea was to fall upon Constantine in his sleep, kill him with a sword (which he had concealed in his clothes) and make himself supreme ruler.

137. Such was his plan. When the emperor went to rest, lying there, as I have already said, quite unguarded, the desperado proceeded to carry out his plot. However, after advancing a few paces, his nerve gave way and he faltered, overcome with faintness. He was caught, running hither and thither in an aimless fashion, quite bewildered. The emperor was at once roused from his sleep. Meanwhile the guards had collected and were questioning the barbarian with some severity. Naturally, Constantine was annoyed at the [170] fellow's daring; what piqued him was the fact that such a man could bring himself to treat an emperor with impudence so brazen. He put him in chains at once, and on the next day he himself sat as judge at the trial — a very stern judge too. The man was cross-examined about the attempted assassination. Constantine asked if he had accomplices in the plot, if there was a ring-leader of the conspiracy, if someone else had instigated him to dare it. These preliminary investigations having produced no profitable answer, the prisoner was put to the cruellest tortures. He was stripped, hoisted up to a wooden beam, and suspended from it by his feet, then flogged till he was half-dead. This punishment had a crushing effect upon him, I fancy, for he denounced certain high-tanking officials as his accomplices, and among his victims the barbarian madman numbered some gentlemen whose loyalty and honour were quite undeniable. Nevertheless, time has restored them to their original place of honour, while he, as the years go by, is still numbered among the greatest scoundrels of history.

138. For a while the emperor did take precautions for his safety, but later the vigil was again relaxed — a negligence which very nearly cost him his own life and involved the city in troubles even greater and more terrible still. I will set forth the causes of this calamity, the extent to which it prevailed, and the manner of the emperor's deliverance from danger for a second time, after all had despaired of his safety. Constantine had a cheerful disposition. Any kind of pastime appealed to him and he required constant amusement. But he had no taste for organ music, or the melody of flutes, or a fine voice, or dancing, or mimes, or anything of that sort. On the other hand, if someone had an impediment in his speech and was unable to pronounce his words correctly, or if a man simply talked nonsense, uttering any word that chanced to come into his head, he thought it highly diverting. Generally speaking, in fact, nothing was more calculated to please Constantine than a wrong use of words.

139. Now at that time there used to visit the palace a certain scallawag**129 afflicted with just that kind of impediment in his speech. When he spoke his tongue would stop functioning altogether, or when he made special efforts, glide over the words. This fellow, moreover, exaggerated the natural defect, and the resulting jumble of syllables was no more effective than the noises of a mute. Indeed, in both cases, whether he spoke normally or affected dumb- [171]ness, the audience was quite incapable of understanding his meaning.

140. At first the emperor treated the man with indifference. In fact, he only appeared at court every now and then after the ceremony of ablution. It was typical of the emperor though, that as time passed he should take more pleasure in his babblings, till he reached a point where he found himself unable to be parted from the fellow. Consequently there was no time set apart for his foolery: even when Constantine was holding audience, appointing magistrates, or carrying out any of his other public duties, the man was there with him, showing off his natural defect and generally acting the clown. Indeed, there can be no doubt but that the emperor encouraged him. He went further: he made a new man of him, an imitation of the great men of the realm, and this street-lounger was translated to the centre of Roman government. He was rapidly promoted to positions of honour, took his place with the chief officers of state, had permission to go anywhere, and was appointed captain of the emperor's bodyguard. With characteristic lack of courtesy he did not confine his visits to his master to any fixed time, but suited his own convenience. He would go up to him, kiss him on breast and face alike, speak to him without first being addressed himself, and then, breaking into a wide grin, sit down on the same couch, and squeeze the emperor's feeble hands between his own, an action that pained him, yet at the same time gave him pleasure.

141. For my own part I did not know at whom to wonder the more, this fellow who had been transformed to suit the whim and fancy of the emperor, or the sovereign who brought himself down to the other's level, for each was desirous of pleasing the other, and they were devoted friends. What the master wanted the comedian did: what he did the master wanted. So it came about that although Constantine understood the general drift of his clowning, he was still content to be the object of buffoonery, and the actor made merry over his ruler's stupidity, making joke after joke admirably suited to the other's simple nature.

142. It went so far that the emperor refused to be parted from him at all. The clown, on the other hand, became bored with this constant attendance. He longed for freedom, to pass the time as he wished. Now it chanced on a certain occasion that he lost a particularly good polo-pony. At that time he used to sleep beside the [172] emperor, and suddenly, in the middle of the night, he got up, roused him from a deep sleep, and gave way to uncontrollable demonstrations of joy. Constantine, who was by no means displeased at being awakened in this manner, asked him what was the matter and why he was so exultant. The clown put his arms round the emperor's neck and kissed him, over and over again, on the face 'Sir,' said he, 'he has been found — the horse that I lost! It is a eunuch that rides him now, a wrinkled old chap, too old for riding. Please let me take a horse now from the palace and bring him here to you, and the mount with him.' At these words the emperor laughed most gaily. 'Ah well,' he replied, 'you have my permission to go — but mind you come back as quickly as possible, and tell me all about it when you find him.' So off he went, without more ado, to enjoy the pleasures he had in mind. After his feasting was done, back he came in the evening, panting and puffing, trailing behind him a eunuch. 'Here he is, Sir,' he said, 'the fellow who stole my horse. He has it for sure, but refuses to give it up. What is more, he swears he never stole it in the first place.' At this, the poor old man appeared to be weeping. He seemed to be at a loss for words to answer the clown's abuse. The emperor, meanwhile, did not know how to refrain from laughing.

143.To settle the matter, he consoled the one with a fresh horse a better one too, while he quenched the counterfeit tears of the eunuch with gifts which surpassed his wildest dreams. Actually, this eunuch was one of the comedian's most fervid admirers, and the object of his flattery had long desired him to benefit from the emperor's generosity. Since, however, he could hardly petition the sovereign on behalf of a man Constantine did not know, he devised the playacting about his dream and made the emperor his dupe, tricking him with the story of the old man and his own imaginary vision — a deceit made the easier by the emperor's somewhat dull wit. What made it even more deplorable was the fact that we were all aware of his duplicity, but as for denouncing that duplicity, we never dreamed of it: we were merely the victims, compelled to witness the emperor's stupidity and the other's clowning in public, forced to laugh at things which should have made us weep. Indeed, if I had not promised to write on serious matters, and if I cared to record foolish trifles, my history would be augmented with a vast collection of such anecdotes. This is only one of many, and it must serve as [173] an example of the rest. I will return to my narrative of events as they happened.

144. Well, this clown of ours not only took possession of the men's apartments in the palaces but having wormed his way into the imperial gynaeconitis (women's quarters) as well, he won the favour of both empresses. Indulging in all kinds of silly talk, he maintained he had been born of the elder sister. Further than that, he swore most solemnly that the younger sister, too, had given birth to a child. His own birth, said he, had taken place thus — and then, as if recalling how he had been brought into the world, he gave a description of her labour, with shameless details. His most witty anecdotes, however, concerned Theodora's accouchement, the conversations she had with her child during the pregnancy, and the manner of her delivery. These foolish women, captivated by the clown's stories, allowed him to come and go as he pleased by secret doors. It would not be easy, indeed, to enumerate all the privileges that were showered on him, both in the men's and women's apartments in the palace.

145. For some time his foolery was confined merely to play-acting of this sort, but when the empress died (an event which I will describe shortly) the simpleton began to commit crimes, crimes which eventually caused great trouble. I will tell part of the story, but first I will anticipate my history by touching on a subject which will be dealt with later. The emperor had a mistress,**130 a girl who was held as a hostage by us from a country of no great importance.**131 She was not distinguished in any way, but being of royal blood she was respected by the emperor and treated with great honour. Our clown conceived a deep love for this girl. Whether she returned his affection I cannot say with any certainty, but it appeared that the love was mutual. Maybe she moderated her passion, but in his case concealment became impossible — it was the only time his acting failed him. Certainly he gazed at her quite brazenly and they met frequently. He was undoubtedly on fire with love. However, since it was beyond his power to master the affection, or win his beloved princess for himself, he made up his mind to become supreme ruler of the Roman Empire. The idea, of course, sounds absolutely absurd, and quite incredible, but he determined to carry it out. Perhaps he bad been influenced by the advice of ill-disposed persons, or maybe the plot originated in his own mind; I do not know, but, in any case, he thought his plan would be extremely easy to put into practice, [174] for two reasons. He calculated that there was no difficulty in murdering the emperor, and secondly, he himself had the keys to the secret entrances: he had power to shut or open all doors as he wished. Unfortunately for him, he had been led to believe that his success would be popular, and it simply was not true. The fact is, he listened to the not inconsiderable mob of sycophants who fed at his table, and one of the leaders of that chorus, a man who had complete ascendancy over him, happened to be commander of the mercenaries.

146. Well, to begin with, he kept this plan to himself, and no one at all had an idea that he was considering any such scheme. But when his crazy infatuation proved altogether too much for him, he threw caution to the winds and revealed his intentions to quite a number of other people, a move which rapidly led to his downfall. Actually his arrest came none too soon — less than an hour before he was to commit his horrible crime. When evening came and the emperor, following his normal custom, lay down to rest, he was probably engaged in sharpening his dagger ready for the murder, but one of his confidants suddenly arrived at the palace, saying he had a message for Constantine. Still panting hard, he entered the Imperial bedchamber, and without waiting to get his breath, gave his warning. "He will kill you, Sir! At once — your dearest friend (mentioning the man by name). Find some way of escaping instant death!" The emperor could not believe it. He did not know what to do. The clown, meanwhile, realizing what had happened, threw away his dagger, made for the church which was near there, and took refuge at the Holy Altar. He confessed his plot and all the deception he had practised in order to carry it out. He admitted the preparations he had made and acknowledged that he had intended to kill the emperor outright.

147. Constantine, instead of returning thanks to God for his deliverance, was extremely angry with the messenger, because, forsooth, his beloved friend had been caught. Already, before he even heard the charges brought against him, he was defending the prisoner. However, as the plot could not possibly be hushed up (for everyone knew of it), he decided to hold a semblance of trial the next day, and the culprit was led into court, in chains, to hear sentence pronounced. At the sight of his friend's hands bound thus (it was a strange and unusual spectacle), the emperor could hardly refrain [175] from openly showing his sorrow. His eyes filled with tears. 'Be good enough to set him free,' he said, 'for my heart melts with pity when I look at him thus.' And when those who had been ordered to do so had loosed him from his chains, Constantine gently urged him to make his defence; the charges were dismissed at once. 'You have a most ingenuous character,' he said. 'I know your sincerity and frankness. But tell me, who pushed you into this ridiculous plot? Who has deceived your simple soul? Who led you astray from the path of innocence? Tell me again, which of my possessions do you covet? What is it that pleases you most? I assure you, you shall have all your heart's desire.'

148. Thus spoke the emperor, his eyes all swollen with weeping and his cheeks wet with tears. As for the clown, he ignored the first questions as though they had never been asked: in fact, he offered no explanation whatever. In regard to the later queries, which referred to his desires, he did reply, and a wonderful exhibition of play acting it was. Kissing the emperor's hands and laying his head on the emperor's knees, 'Seat me on the imperial throne,' he said, 'and adorn me with a crown of pearls. Give me this collar too (pointing to the ornament Constantine wore round his neck) and let me share in the acclamation with you. I longed for this before, and now it is my greatest desire.'

149. The effect of these words on the emperor was extraordinary. He was really delighted. What he wanted was to find some reasonable excuse for acquitting the fellow of making this absurd attempt on his own life. If it could be shown that he was simple and honest, then he would be completely free of suspicion, and condemnation would be unnecessary. 'I will put a diadem on your head as well,' he said, 'and clothe you in a robe of purple. One thing I beg of you: please be your old self and put an end to this trouble. Away with that dark look on your face and let me see there the old expression, the happiness that used to shine in your eyes!' Even the seriousrninded smiled at these words, and the judges, without so much as asking a single question, left the court in a body, laughing. They did not even stay to see the end of the comedy. As for the emperor, he made a thank-offering to God for his safety and rendered prayers of gratitude, as if he himself had been the accused and had himself been acquitted. This was followed by a feast more sumptuous than usual, the emperor giving the banquet and presiding over it, and the [176] guest of honour was none other than this clown, the very man who had plotted against him.

150. When [he empress Theodora and his sister Euprepia, like the goddesses in the poem**132 expressed severe disapproval of these proceedings, and instead of being agreeable constantly criticized the emperor's stupidity, his composure was ruffled, and to please them he condemned the culprit to exile. The place was not far away, **133 in fact, he ordered him to reside quite near, on one of the islands lying off the city, advising him to enjoy the bathing there and amuse himself to his heart's content. Less than ten days afterwards he recalled him with every mark of honour. He was to be granted more license than ever: greater favours should be conferred on him. In a history such as this, I have passed over in silence many remarkable facts, things which not only injure the reputation of an author, but bore his readers. In the case of this particular incident I have not told the whole story. To complete it, I shall have to digress at some length and insert here another anecdote, in order to make the history free from obscurity. After this digression I will return to my original story and finish it.

151. The empress Zoe was already past the age for sexual relations, but the emperor's desires were still feverish. His Augusta had died some time ago, and his conversations on the subject of love tended to become involved in a mass of strange and fanciful ideas. He was naturally inclined to sexual indulgence, but he could find no satisfaction in cheap harlotry. Yet memories of his early amours were always rousing in him fresh waves of desire, and eventually he fell in love with a young girl, one of our hostages from Alania (I have already mentioned this fact earlier in my history). The kingdom of Alania was not particularly distinguished in itself, nor had it any great prestige, but it regularly supplied pledges of its loyalty to the Roman Empire. This girl was the daughter of the king there. She was not remarkable for beauty and few suitors sought her hand in marriage. Only two attributes lent her especial charm — the whiteness of her skin, and the brilliance of her very beautiful eyes. Yet when the emperor once came under her influence, he forsook all his other paramours. He lived with this girl alone and conceived for her a most violent passion.

152. As long as the empress was still alive, his intrigues were more or less secret: he preferred to go and come unseen, under a cloak of [177] mystery. When she was dead, though, he flaunted his passion and openly fanned the flame of desire. He very nearly had a bridal chamber furnished and escorted his lady-love there, as if she were indeed his wife. Her appearance was suddenly transformed in an extraordinary way. Her head was garlanded in strange decorations, her neck was resplendent with gold, bracelets of gold, fashioned like snakes, twined round her arms, and heavy pearls were suspended from her ears. As for her girdle, it was made of gold, adorned with a chain of pearls. The woman was a veritable Proteus, with all his changes and variations.**134

153. Really he wanted to crown her with the diadem of an empress, but two things restrained him: the law limiting the number of marriages, and the empress Theodora, who would neither tolerate his insult, nor agree to be both ruler and ruled. So the lady was not permitted to wear the imperial robes, but Constantine did allow her to share his title, for he called her Augusta. An imperial bodyguard was also provided for her. Every door that led to her desires was thrown wide open, rivers flowing with gold were diverted for her pleasure, streams of wealth, endless floods of opulence. So once more all our treasures were wasted away and squandered. Some were scattered inside the walls of the city, others carried away to the barbarian world. For the first time in its history the land of the Alanians was surfeited with good things that came to it from our Rome. Ships sailed into harbour, and when they once more put to sea, they were all loaded with precious things that belonged to us, things that in he old days made the Roman Empire the object of envy.

154. It used to grieve me then, seeing all our possessions thrown away like that, and I am just as distressed at the thought of it today, for no one ever admired the Romans or loved his country more than I do. I still blush for my master and emperor. Two or three times every year envoys used to come from her father in Alania to this girl Augusta, and Constantine would show her off to them (like an exhibition on a stage), proclaiming that she was his consort and empress, and he actually called her by those names. He himself gave them some gifts, others he encouraged his beautiful 'wife' to present to them.

155. The actor fellow, of whom I spoke some time ago, had been in love with this princess before, and he was successful in his wooing. So he plotted against the emperor, but the plot went awry. [178] When he returned from exile, he was more passionately in love than ever. I was well aware of this, but I thought Constantine knew nothing about it. Really, I was rather doubtful. However, it was he himself who settled the question for me. On a certain occasion when I was accompanying him on one of his visits to the lady (he was being carried on a litter), her lover was also one of the party At the time she was in her private apartment in the palace, standing by some latticed gates. Before embracing her, the emperor stopped, thinking of something, and while he was concentrating on the matter in question, the clown cast his eyes in the direction of his beloved. Seeing her, he smiled gently and then showed other signs of his love for her. Again and again his eyes turned towards her. While this was going on, the emperor gently nudged me in the ribs. 'See the rascal,' he said, 'still in love. His past punishment hasn't done him the least good.' Immediately I heard him, I was covered in confusion, but he went on to see the lady, while the other, by no means abashed, looked at her with more insolence than ever. However, it all came to nothing, for the emperor died, as I shall tell you later in my history, and of the other two the Augusta was again considered a mere hostage, and the lover saw his passion end in nothing but empty dreams.

156. It must be clear that in this account I have repeatedly passed over many events that occurred during this period, so I will return to the emperor. But first I will devote some pages to the empress Zoe, ending with her death, and then I will take up any main story again. What she was like in her youth I cannot say with any certainty, I have already given some description of her earlier in this book, but what I wrote then depended on hearsay.