ACT I. SCENE 1.

Windsor. Before PAGE'S house

Enter JUSTICE SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS

  SHALLOW. Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star
    Chamber matter of it; if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs,
    he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.
  SLENDER. In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace, and
    Coram.
  SHALLOW. Ay, cousin Slender, and Custalorum.
  SLENDER. Ay, and Ratolorum too; and a gentleman born,
    Master Parson, who writes himself 'Armigero' in any bill,
    warrant, quittance, or obligation-'Armigero.'
  SHALLOW. Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three
    hundred years.
  SLENDER. All his successors, gone before him, hath done't;
    and all his ancestors, that come after him, may: they may
    give the dozen white luces in their coat.
  SHALLOW. It is an old coat.
  EVANS. The dozen white louses do become an old coat well;
    it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to man, and
    signifies love.
  SHALLOW. The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old
    coat.
  SLENDER. I may quarter, coz.
  SHALLOW. You may, by marrying.
  EVANS. It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
  SHALLOW. Not a whit.
  EVANS. Yes, py'r lady! If he has a quarter of your coat, there
    is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures;
    but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have committed
    disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be
    glad to do my benevolence, to make atonements and
    compremises between you.
  SHALLOW. The Council shall hear it; it is a riot.
  EVANS. It is not meet the Council hear a riot; there is no
    fear of Got in a riot; the Council, look you, shall desire
    to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot; take your
    vizaments in that.
  SHALLOW. Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the sword
    should end it.
  EVANS. It is petter that friends is the sword and end it;
    and there is also another device in my prain, which
    peradventure prings goot discretions with it. There is Anne
    Page, which is daughter to Master George Page, which is
    pretty virginity.
  SLENDER. Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and
    speaks small like a woman.
  EVANS. It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as you
    will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and
    gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon his death's-bed-Got
    deliver to a joyful resurrections!-give, when she is able to
    overtake seventeen years old. It were a goot motion if we
    leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage
    between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.
  SHALLOW. Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?
  EVANS. Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.
  SHALLOW. I know the young gentlewoman; she has good
    gifts.
  EVANS. Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is goot gifts.
  SHALLOW. Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff
    there?
  EVANS. Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do
    despise one that is false; or as I despise one that is not
    true. The knight Sir John is there; and, I beseech you, be
    ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master
    Page.
    [Knocks] What, hoa! Got pless your house here!
  PAGE. [Within] Who's there?

Enter PAGE

  EVANS. Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice
  Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that peradventures
    shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your
    likings.
  PAGE. I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for
    my venison, Master Shallow.
  SHALLOW. Master Page, I am glad to see you; much good do
    it your good heart! I wish'd your venison better; it was ill
    kill'd. How doth good Mistress Page?-and I thank you
    always with my heart, la! with my heart.
  PAGE. Sir, I thank you.
  SHALLOW. Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.
  PAGE. I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.
  SLENDER. How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say
    he was outrun on Cotsall.
  PAGE. It could not be judg'd, sir.
  SLENDER. You'll not confess, you'll not confess.
  SHALLOW. That he will not. 'Tis your fault; 'tis your fault;
    'tis a good dog.
  PAGE. A cur, sir.
  SHALLOW. Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog. Can there be
    more said? He is good, and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?
  PAGE. Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office
    between you.
  EVANS. It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.
  SHALLOW. He hath wrong'd me, Master Page.
  PAGE. Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
  SHALLOW. If it be confessed, it is not redressed; is not that
    so, Master Page? He hath wrong'd me; indeed he hath; at a
    word, he hath, believe me; Robert Shallow, esquire, saith
    he is wronged.
  PAGE. Here comes Sir John.

Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL

  FALSTAFF. Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to
    the King?
  SHALLOW. Knight, you have beaten my men, kill'd my deer,
    and broke open my lodge.
  FALSTAFF. But not kiss'd your keeper's daughter.
  SHALLOW. Tut, a pin! this shall be answer'd.
  FALSTAFF. I will answer it straight: I have done all this.
    That is now answer'd.
  SHALLOW. The Council shall know this.
  FALSTAFF. 'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel:
    you'll be laugh'd at.
  EVANS. Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.
  FALSTAFF. Good worts! good cabbage! Slender, I broke your
    head; what matter have you against me?
  SLENDER. Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you;
    and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym,
    and Pistol. They carried me to the tavern, and made me
    drunk, and afterwards pick'd my pocket.
  BARDOLPH. You Banbury cheese!
  SLENDER. Ay, it is no matter.
  PISTOL. How now, Mephostophilus!
  SLENDER. Ay, it is no matter.
  NYM. Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! That's my humour.
  SLENDER. Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?
  EVANS. Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is
    three umpires in this matter, as I understand: that is,
    Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself,
    fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and
    finally, mine host of the Garter.
  PAGE. We three to hear it and end it between them.
  EVANS. Fery goot. I will make a prief of it in my note-book;
    and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as great
    discreetly as we can.
  FALSTAFF. Pistol!
  PISTOL. He hears with ears.
  EVANS. The tevil and his tam! What phrase is this, 'He hears
    with ear'? Why, it is affectations.
  FALSTAFF. Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?
  SLENDER. Ay, by these gloves, did he-or I would I might
    never come in mine own great chamber again else!-of
    seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward
    shovel-boards that cost me two shilling and two pence apiece
    of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
  FALSTAFF. Is this true, Pistol?
  EVANS. No, it is false, if it is a pick-purse.
  PISTOL. Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and master
    mine,
    I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.
    Word of denial in thy labras here!
    Word of denial! Froth and scum, thou liest.
  SLENDER. By these gloves, then, 'twas he.
  NYM. Be avis'd, sir, and pass good humours; I will say
    'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook's humour on
    me; that is the very note of it.
  SLENDER. By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for
    though I cannot remember what I did when you made me
    drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
  FALSTAFF. What say you, Scarlet and John?
  BARDOLPH. Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had
    drunk himself out of his five sentences.
  EVANS. It is his five senses; fie, what the ignorance is!
  BARDOLPH. And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashier'd;
    and so conclusions pass'd the careers.
  SLENDER. Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no matter;
    I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest,
    civil, godly company, for this trick. If I be drunk, I'll be
    drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with
    drunken knaves.
  EVANS. So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
  FALSTAFF. You hear all these matters deni'd, gentlemen; you
    hear it.

          Enter MISTRESS ANNE PAGE with wine; MISTRESS
               FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following

  PAGE. Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within.
                                                  Exit ANNE PAGE
  SLENDER. O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.
  PAGE. How now, Mistress Ford!
  FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well
    met; by your leave, good mistress. [Kisses her]
  PAGE. Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a
    hot venison pasty to dinner; come, gentlemen, I hope we
    shall drink down all unkindness.
                      Exeunt all but SHALLOW, SLENDER, and EVANS
  SLENDER. I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of
    Songs and Sonnets here.

Enter SIMPLE

    How, Simple! Where have you been? I must wait on
    myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you,
    have you?
  SIMPLE. Book of Riddles! Why, did you not lend it to Alice
    Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight afore
    Michaelmas?
  SHALLOW. Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word
    with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a
    tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do
    you understand me?
  SLENDER. Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I
    shall do that that is reason.
  SHALLOW. Nay, but understand me.
  SLENDER. So I do, sir.
  EVANS. Give ear to his motions: Master Slender, I will
    description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.
  SLENDER. Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says; I pray
    you pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his country,
    simple though I stand here.
  EVANS. But that is not the question. The question is
    concerning your marriage.
  SHALLOW. Ay, there's the point, sir.
  EVANS. Marry is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne
    Page.
  SLENDER. Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any
    reasonable demands.
  EVANS. But can you affection the oman? Let us command to
    know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers philosophers
    hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth. Therefore,
    precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid?
  SHALLOW. Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
  SLENDER. I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that
    would do reason.
  EVANS. Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak possitable,
    if you can carry her your desires towards her.
  SHALLOW. That you must. Will you, upon good dowry,
    marry her?
  SLENDER. I will do a greater thing than that upon your request,
    cousin, in any reason.
  SHALLOW. Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz; what
    I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?
  SLENDER. I will marry her, sir, at your request; but if there
    be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease
    it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and
    have more occasion to know one another. I hope upon
    familiarity will grow more contempt. But if you say
    'marry her,' I will marry her; that I am freely dissolved,
    and dissolutely.
  EVANS. It is a fery discretion answer, save the fall is in the
    ord 'dissolutely': the ort is, according to our meaning,
    'resolutely'; his meaning is good.
  SHALLOW. Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
  SLENDER. Ay, or else I would I might be hang'd, la!

Re-enter ANNE PAGE

  SHALLOW. Here comes fair Mistress Anne. Would I were
    young for your sake, Mistress Anne!
  ANNE. The dinner is on the table; my father desires your
    worships' company.
  SHALLOW. I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne!
  EVANS. Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.
                                        Exeunt SHALLOW and EVANS
  ANNE. Will't please your worship to come in, sir?
  SLENDER. No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very
    well.
  ANNE. The dinner attends you, sir.
  SLENDER. I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go,
    sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin
  Shallow. [Exit SIMPLE] A justice of peace sometime may
    be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but three men
    and a boy yet, till my mother be dead. But what though?
    Yet I live like a poor gentleman born.
  ANNE. I may not go in without your worship; they will not
    sit till you come.
  SLENDER. I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as
    though I did.
  ANNE. I pray you, sir, walk in.
  SLENDER. I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruis'd my
    shin th' other day with playing at sword and dagger with
    a master of fence-three veneys for a dish of stew'd prunes
    -and, I with my ward defending my head, he hot my shin,
    and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat
    since. Why do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i' th'
    town?
  ANNE. I think there are, sir; I heard them talk'd of.
  SLENDER. I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at
    it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the
    bear loose, are you not?
  ANNE. Ay, indeed, sir.
  SLENDER. That's meat and drink to me now. I have seen
    Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the
    chain; but I warrant you, the women have so cried and
    shriek'd at it that it pass'd; but women, indeed, cannot
    abide 'em; they are very ill-favour'd rough things.

Re-enter PAGE

  PAGE. Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.
  SLENDER. I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
  PAGE. By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! Come,
    come.
  SLENDER. Nay, pray you lead the way.
  PAGE. Come on, sir.
  SLENDER. Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
  ANNE. Not I, sir; pray you keep on.
  SLENDER. Truly, I will not go first; truly, la! I will not do
    you that wrong.
  ANNE. I pray you, sir.
  SLENDER. I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You
    do yourself wrong indeed, la! Exeunt